What does the first day of a 5+ year prison sentence feel like? – Mini Book Club

What does the first day of a 5+ year prison sentence feel like?

By: Kenyatta Leal

I remember my first day because it was my worst day. I was sentenced to life in prison on September 25, 1995 and about a week later was transferred from the San Diego County Jail to RJ Donovan Prison for intake into the state prison system. The morning of my transfer a deputy came to my cell and told me that I was “catching the chain” to the pen.  I had just made it to sleep as my cellmate and I had stayed up late playing chess and talking. He was a 19 year old 1st termer headed to the joint with a life sentence and every night he would ask me a gang of questions about prison life. I felt compelled to answer his questions in as much detail as possible because I knew he didn’t understand the danger he was headed into and he needed all the help he could get.

As I got myself together my  cellmate sat up on his bunk, wrapped his arms around his knees and watched me like a child would watch a parent. My heart went out to the little dude because he needed more guidance than I ever could give him. I started to remind him of some of the things we had talked about but the deputy came back to get me. He told me to state my name and booking number then turn around and cuff up. I complied and when I turned back around to cuff up, my  cellmate was sitting there crying. I will never forget that look of hopelessness on his face and I can only imagine the look on mine. I told him to keep his head up and I walked down the stairs with the deputy. Right then I said a prayer for that kid because as bad as my situation was, he was someone who had it far worse than me.

We got to the holding cell and there were about 20 others waiting to catch the chain also. They call it catching the chain because we’re all chained together as we go to the pen. The single file chain of men made its way outside and it felt good to walk around a bit and breathe in that crisp morning air. As we loaded onto the bus the deputies unchained us from each other, but we were left shackled at the waist and ankles. No one said a word on the bus and my heart was beating so hard I could hear it. The ride to Donovan took all of 20 minutes as the prison is literally within eye sight of the county facility from which I was transferred. The sun was just coming up as we pulled into R&R (Receiving & Release) at Donovan.

I couldn’t wait to get out of those handcuffs and leg irons; being shackled up like that is something I could never get used to. As soon as we walked into R&R I saw someone I knew from the county jail and he was all smiles as he asked me how much time I had. When I told him 25 years to life his eyes got big and he took a step back, as if I had some kind of virus he didn’t want to catch. His response surprised me. First it made me feel nervous, then worried that everyone else would respond to me the same way. He didn’t know what to say and neither did I. I tried to ease the awkwardness of the moment with small talk about my appeal but no matter what I said I couldn’t escape the growing despair in my gut; and that was only the first day.

We made it out of R&R around noon and got back on the bus to go to the “4″ yard. We pulled up next to building 16 and unloaded straight into the dayroom. Once inside, we walked into a gauntlet of correctional officers who immediately started yelling and telling us to shut the f*** up and not ask them for anything because we had nothing coming. After being strip searched and yelled at for about 30 minutes, we all had to sit and wait to be interviewed by the gang coordinator. While we waited, I heard familiar voices of people I knew who had caught the chain before me, asking if I needed anything. At that point I was so depressed and downtrodden that I didn’t respond verbally. I just shook my head.

After my interview, I walked upstairs to the cell where I’d spend the rest of the first day of a life sentence. I stepped inside and the sound of the cold steel door slamming behind me ricocheted around inside my skull, making me dizzy. I just stood there in shock. I remember wanting to scream but when I opened my mouth nothing but sobs came out. I was devastated. I heard people calling my name on the tier but I couldn’t speak. I closed my eyes hoping to find some relief, but what I saw in my mind’s eye were all of the horrible choices I made and the faces of the people that I hurt in the process. I thought about the times when I coulda, woulda, shoulda, taken action to stop this nightmare from happening, but it was way too late.

Looking back, it was as if I was on a runaway train to prison and every choice I made accelerated my imminent arrival. When I finally opened my eyes and looked around the filthy cell, there was nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. I felt like the most worthless piece of crap ever known to mankind. My life had just hit rock bottom and I couldn’t see any way up or out. That was by far the worst moment of the worst day of my entire life.

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21 thoughts on “What does the first day of a 5+ year prison sentence feel like? – Mini Book Club

  1. The end of the world. That is how the 5+ year of prison sentence feels like. The end of the life out there you know. It obviously might feel horrifying to know that someone has to be forced to live in a cell. It is like living in a box. Having your freedom being taken away must feel devastating for sure. Depression and anxiety must really take over you. Plus all of the time that you will have to serve in prison changes you physically and mentally.

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  2. The first day of a 5 year sentence or more is horrible. Even the first day of a little sentence is tough. However, as time passes a person gets accustomed to it. I receive a jail call every single day. Every single day. Life for a prisoner is normal to me. It’s kind of sad to say that prisoners can do pretty much everything a person outside of a facility can do. It just has some slight differences and boundaries.

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  3. a start of whole New life, so i have to get used to it…
    and start correcting what brought me here. and understand better what is like to live without freedom .

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  4. I really like this piece. You get insight into how processing works in prison and you get to see how Kenyatta feels. This one passage hits me straight in the gut;

    “I closed my eyes hoping to find some relief, but what I saw in my mind’s eye were all of the horrible choices I made and the faces of the people that I hurt in the process. I thought about the times when I coulda, woulda, shoulda, taken action to stop this nightmare from happening, but it was way too late.”

    I feel like people can relate to this despite not having done anything severe enough to warrant a prison sentence. It’s a human feeling when you realize you could’ve prevented something but simply chose not and it becomes too far done to have done it. It’s the sickest feeling you feel in the middle of the night when you go through your life. You remember all the details, the false promises, the actions, everything.
    You’ll live with them forever and that’s why this piece is my favorite from all we’ve read.

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  5. what I think bout this story is the prisoner learned something from being in jail, he gained a change to be there for people and to save them. He saved his cellmate, he saw his cellmate had it worse than me. They gained a bond. I think it was good thing him being there because he became a bigger person there, he found himself.

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  6. The first day would be scary and depressing. I know I would probably cry in my cell and think about how I have hurt my mom by getting my self into this situation. I would just count the days left in my sentence. But too bad I don’t have great friends like EL CHAPO cause none of my friends would dig a whole for me and a tunnel.

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  7. My first thought was wow ! I am really unsure how I feel that I am that at least he supported the teen in the cell he left at least. All that I could think about is how depressed he was where he felt so bad for what he did. The pain he caused others and the remorse that he had says that even if he done what ever he done that he feels something. I would think if someone done such a bad crime you would think they don’t feel any remorse.

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  8. Having 5 years in prison would be like being in a worst nightmare that you ever think of except actually living it in the real world. All you can see everyday is all the prisoners in it and the cells you be living for the rest of your life; eating the food in it everyday, watching T.V., etc.

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  9. Life in prison would kind of suck. It will be hard getting used to not being able to go out when you want, not being able to watch TV, and not being able to see my loved one. I don’t think I would make it. Not only the first day would be hard, but the whole first year would be tough to adjust. It will be physically damaging to my state of mind. Then when it comes to for me to leave I wouldn’t be able to adjust back in the real world easily.

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  10. Devastation, Despair, and regret. You will basically feel like you have hit rock bottom once that iron door shuts behind you. It’s like clipping a birds wings, they were meant to fly.

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  11. Knowing that you have been ripped away from society and have to adapted to a new way of living. Being secluded and isolated from your family and the comfort of your home. Constantly worrying about what is going to happen next, how your next meal will be, and about the other inmates. I have to wrap my head around ” Wow, I am actually in prison.” This would have to be the worst thing, just letting it sink in.

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  12. The feeling of 5+ years in sentence is like the whole world falling down on top of you when you know yourself when you did something really stupid and now you will feel the consequences from your actions. Its the end of the world and you will not have a second chance ever again in your entire life .

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  13. That I think about this story that the first day in a prison is difficult and all this can happened in different moment in our life.

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